I Don't Believe
20 June 2013
I don't believe.
The above is a title from a blog called Crawling With Satan that I wrote during my peer support specialist training. I was angry at my church, my family of origin, and myself. I had begun to realize that few people would take any concrete steps necessary to prevent death by suicide - most of my family included - and I was brokenhearted. I was becoming more and more broken by the hateful things I saw my church members write on their social media sites.
I soon learned that I had also developed complicated grief from interactions with a few members of my family; probably not intentional on their part - just the general insensitivity and bad mannered communication skills used in the way we were taught as children. Personal insults and oversharing that were rote all through my growing up years, and that used to not bother me on a personal level, became knife-like and I was no longer able to deflect them away from my heart and soul.
Anyway, in peer training people were blogging and suggested it as a way to clear-the-air with our head and other people's expectations of me. Curiously, though I would not have planned it as such, it had the effect of driving away a couple of mindless bigots and drawing in the people who helped me the most. Some of my relationships haven't recovered since that blog but that's okay. Those were the toxic ones anyway. Overall, the blog marked a turning point in my decision to actively participate in my emotional recuperation.