I Quit Talking to God
25 February 2013
Here's the truth. I quit talking to God when if found out that my daughter was gone from me. Basically I said F'YOU and turned my back away. I started out in shattered outrage and moved to grim determination to stay alive and well for my other kids and my grandsons. I've been wondering lately why I actively ignore every spiritual gift I've ever been given... and also every assurance that Kaylan is at peace now. Then tonight I received a package from a stranger in New Mexico... a mama who lost her beautiful son to depression. And a handwritten personal card... Not sure what to do with this. I'm still pissed. There's really no describing how pissed off I am. I'm going to read it though. I want to say "thank you God" like I used to, but I still wouldn't mean it. Anyway, goodnight.
More than five years later I'm not mad at God anymore, yet I am distrustful of people inside the buildings called "church." I feel bereft at how angry and cruel the larger church-body has become toward the weak and suffering. The church of my youth is not a safe place for me to retain my sanity anymore. Nowadays I find solace in walking by the river and hiking in the mountains, in playing with my grandsons, and in being in the presence of kind and caring people.