Partly Dead Inside

17 September 2012

If I allow myself to think about Kaylan Rose it feels as if I just found out about her dying... mindbending grief, nausea almost to vomiting, too weak to stand, yearning to take back time... so I find myself refusing to think about her for days at a time. I tell myself that this is what IS, not what I wish it to be. I expected this pain and grief to get weaker, but it doesn't. It just gets farther between bouts. The part of me where she lived died with her... I miss her so much...

Tonight, as I sit here writing, I am aware that my grief has changed from constant ragged torture to ever-present dull ache. I still have many days that I have to turn my thoughts away from her. I never miss her less. I still feel partly dead - how I imagine a diseased organ to look and function. Even so, I do have whole days of great joy. I have a good life again and I'm glad to be alive. But any bereaved parent knows what I'm saying here; I have a good life but it's not as good. Not the same. Never will be.

Erica KitzmanComment