Upon Awakening *

14 Sept 2011
Shared with my online grief group

It's starting. It makes me feel sad and relieved at the same time. It happened with my mom and dad, with my grandma, with my girlfriends Susie and Cindy, sisters Susan [adopted] and Alison, and now it's happening with Kaylan Rose. She is becoming a good memory, but less three dimensional. I can still remember the feeling of her hugs and petting her beautiful hair, but slowly she is becoming more one dimensional. I know as time continues, my raw grief and weeping will come less and less often, but so will my times of remembering her. I don't think of her the instant I wake up anymore, sometimes it takes 15 minutes or more. I don't want to forget her, and I know I won't, but writing this makes me cry. It seems so wrong, grieving in the same pattern for my child as for other people. This grief is bigger and stronger and deeper than my other griefs, as grieving my girlfriends was smaller and weaker than grieving my parents. I don't want her back anymore, because I don't want her to suffer anymore. But my heart is still breaking for her pain. <3

 

Erica KitzmanComment