Turning Away *

          I remember this as a first turning point for me. I remember feeling as if I was being a bad mother if I turned away from my grief. I felt that I was abandoning my dead child. Somewhere around this time my stepdaughter kindly called me out on my hyperfocus on Kaylan by reminding me that my other kids could use some attention. It was such a good thing that she did that, because it woke me up and made me look around at who I was missing out on. It also made me realize that my others were missing out on me.
          As a prize she brought the boys from Europe for three whole weeks. Having them in the house was a minor miracle of healing. Having them there reminded me that I could still be of use. I could still be an active part of my family. From this time forward I began to see myself as an integral and valuable part of my family again.

12 July 2011
Message to my online grief group.

I need to step away from my daughter for a few days. My grief becomes consuming, and I know she always wished health and happiness for everyone she ever loved. I feel like such a screwup this week for modeling unhealthy self care for my kids when they were young. I did to much, slept too little, fed myself too much caffeine and sugar, and gave myself far less latitude for error than I gave others. I believe that a false independence is harmful for humans. Since we were not born with the ability to run and feed ourselves, we are designed to be interdependent with others. So, my son is here with his wonderful bride, and we are having good fun with extended family. I wish Kaylan was here, but since she is not I'm determined to enjoy the people I do have here and now. (((HUGS))) to everyone.


Erica KitzmanComment