Picasso at S.A.M. *
Date: 12 Jan 2011
Source: Memory and experience since
3 days and 18 hours before Kaylan died she met me and a friend at the Seattle Art Museum for the Picasso exhibit. She was hung over from drinking tequila with her new boyfriend and some friends which surprised me. I had never been around her when she smelled of alcohol the day after drinking. Even so, she seemed like she was happy. We wandered around the exhibit with her surreptitiously sending (disallowed) photos of her favorite pieces to her boyfriend. She and I agreed that our favorite was Picasso's print "The Frugal Repast" - though we loved a lot of other pieces.
I was worried about her that day. I knew she'd been dealing with depression again. She had a sore on her hand that was healing badly, and she had a wicked cough - worse than her normal asthmatic seal-bark cough, and she was thinner than usual. Later I found out that she'd been having bouts of depressive psychosis; that she'd been drinking heavily for a long time; she'd been obsessing on her manner of death for a long time.
When we all went to lunch after S.A.M. she couldn't hold any food down at all. I didn't want to get back on the ferry to go home. I wanted to fold her up in my arms and carry her home as if she were a baby. I didn't want to leave her, but I did. Why did I? Here I'm going to say that self-hate for my inaction or wrong actions is a constant battle. Mostly I can talk myself out of it, but sometimes I just have to say "yep-that's shitty, nothing I can do about it now" and move on.
What's the alternative? I have other children. I have grandchildren. My husband and I have one another. I know for sure that allowing myself to go down into despair over something I can't change will do nobody any good. I'm not sure that I would be staying healthy for myself at this point, but for my family I will continue to practice self-care and take daily wellness actions. I know, I know... I should be living for myself, but they are my reason for now. They are a good reason.
The Frugal Repast
Tracing the Circuts of Self Loathing in the Depressed Brain