Cycle of Grief *

Erica Kitzman
June 27, 2011

I remember when my mom died that my mind could not comprehend that I was NEVER going to see her in person again. It took a really long time for that to sink in. Now that same thing is going on with Kaylan Rose. My mind simply can not comprehend it. I'm like a hamster in a cage, going around to all the familiar places and trolling for her presence. But she's not her on fb. She can't txt me or I her. We can't talk on the phone. I can't ever hug her or pet her hair gain. I know all this intellectually, but my heart/soul/mind can not believe it. I hate this part of grief. I hate all grief. Oh, well. Off now to do math for a few hours again.  

A friend long ago told me that she did math problems to ease stress, so I tried it. It didn't make me feel better exactly, but it distracted my thoughts from making me feel worse. It kept my inner hamster wheel at bay for the time I worked on math problems. Respite from grief is still necessary for me. Sometimes I walk outside, sometimes I listen to a podcast, sometimes I draw and color or play with my grandkids, sometimes I still forget self-care and end up sad and scared. Maybe I'll eat nothing but chocolate and corn chips for a day, but the next day I eat veggies and fruit. It's essential to keep trying.

 

Erica KitzmanComment