Ashes and Flowers *
24 Jan 2018
Thinking back on that first week all I can remember is feeling like my skin was on fire and my mind was filled with fog. When I fell asleep, which was rare, my next waking awareness was "she's dead" and then the tears would start again. Nothing felt real; not air in my lungs or sounds or sights. There's nothing that can explain what follows child-death.
The morning after her funeral we went to church - I dunno know why. They had nothing for us there, but a friend had invited us and it seemed okay to go together. After that we all went to pour her ashes into the ocean, and in a fit of grief-anger I viciously tore ever blossom off of every flower and plant that had arrived at the house during the week. I put them into the little bay with her ashes.