Leaving Washington *

          We were fortunate to get a loving and sensitive Episcopal priest to help us through Kaylan's funeral week. He took wonderful care of us and was so patient and kind. He advised us that for the first six months we would need to pay attention cooking - to watch the stove and be careful cutting up food, to keeping hydrated and eat nutritious, trying not to drive unless we were rested, and to not make any major life changes. As soon as our families left our little town, we ran like hell. Darrell drove and I cried - for weeks. We both cried at night. We wanted to smoke cigarettes but didn't. We don't remember how long or where we went exactly. Cheyenne, Palm Springs, Phoenix, Silverton... lots of other places. We drank a lot of coffee and ate little of anything nutritious. We did not cut up any food.

30 Apr 2011
My online grief group
          Some mornings - like today - I wake up so sad and cry so hard that I vomit. I can't even imagine sadness strong enough to make me think about taking my own life. It has got to be so much worse feeling than this. I talked to my swimming friend at the pool yesterday. She's a retired psychiatrist, and she is just so sweet. She says that the cerebral spinal fluid of a person who dies of suicide has less volume and is extremely low in serotonin. I think the term mental illness should be changed to biochemical illness. I'm rambling... My house is mostly packed and I'm going to clean out the kitchen. I can't wait to be away from here.

           Just now, seven years later, I miss that place. I miss our friends, the rhododendrons, the wild storms coming down the Strait of Juan de Fuca, the bald eagles chattering like parakeets... I even miss the obnoxious seagulls bouncing around on our roof and waking us up on Sunday mornings. This year we are thinking of going back to visit. To walk down to the water where her ashes turned the water milky. Maybe open an oyster or two and look for pearls.

Erica KitzmanComment