Take if off damn the table. Right now! *

Date: 18 Feb 2018
Source: Things on my mind today

          My husband's cousin died of suicide four days ago. Three days before that things appeared fine, because he posted a photo of a fun hunting trip on FB. Was he genuinely happy in that photo? Was he faking it? I am forever shocked and distressed when someone seems great one day and then dies a few days later.
          This cousin lost his daughter to suicide three years ago, so he is another in a thread of our extended family's suicide loss-survivor deaths. For my husband, his first wife lost a cousin to suicide and then she died of suicide herself around ten years later. Two of our four children attempted over the next few years after she died, and then Kaylan died of suicide. After Kaylan died two more of our family members attempted, and now two of my husband's other cousins are dead.
          Are these loss-survivors closely enough connected to constitute contagion? Or is this scourge just this rampant in other families? I don't hear about it in these numbers.
At what point is it possible to turn your mind from suicide to something else? At some point we are going to have to admit it out loud when we have suicidal thoughts. Maybe then we can say "nope - that's off the table until someone can guarantee me that nobody else will die because of me." Can we agree on that? For now at least? Until we can guarantee that our deaths won't cause others?
          The people I know who have died of suicide were all such good and caring people. Not one of them was a jerk or a criminal. They all worked hard and loved their families. I can't cope with another suicide funeral right now. I can't look at the children and teens present and wonder who's next. I just can't.
         I'm not sure how this post fits into a memoir... maybe I'm just venting. I'll reconsider later, but for now I need to leave this here.