ATTN: Morbid Humor *

          A secret of moms who have lost our kids is that we still like to tell each other stories about them. Amongst ourselves, we tell as many stories about our lost kiddos as we do our live ones. We don't do it around other people. They don't get it.

25 May 2011
Online grief group

          True stories about my girl. My daughter read the obits every single day, and she always wished the manner of death was published - both my kids have/had a morbid sense of humor like their dad. I toyed with the idea... but didn't publish it when she died. I just asked for donations to NAMI in lieu of flowers. That seemed close enough to me.
          Also, a few years ago all of our kids started talking about their wishes when they died. I think it was because my step-children's mother had died without burial instructions and then my kid's began to die in earnest.  While they were talking, in an effort to make them stop, I made them write down their wishes on lined paper and filed them away as something kind of funny to talk about when we were all old. I never really paid attention to them. I never thought that we would ever use them.
          Kaylan's instructions asked for her funeral to be on Mt. Everest and for her ashes to be scattered someplace equally weird. So, during her funeral our 4-year-old grandson started wandering around on the alter with the priest, and actually sat next to him during a song. At one point he was standing in front of Kaylan's memorial poster, which was directly below the urn with her ashes, and I almost started laughing because I was thinking if he knocked it over THAT WOULD BE VERY WEIRD.
           She also asked for a song to be played. When she died I said no. One of her brothers balked at my refusal, but still I said no. When she was seventeen she fell in love with the song and would play it on her piano until I made her stop. It made me cry at the time, but I couldn't identify exactly why. It's about dreaming of dying. I hate that song. 
          She was a funny irreverent ducky my girl. In honor of her morbid curiosity I'll say that I ordered an rose-etched pink urn for her ashes, which we spread in a shallow bay over a native oyster bed.

          Her brothers made an audio loop of her playing her own compositions to play during the reception after the funeral. It freaked some people out, but I think she would have approved. 
 

Parents of Suicide

National Alliance on Mental Illness

Erica KitzmanComment